No.16

In celebration of turning 35 last week, here are 35 things I’ve learnt in the last 35 years.

Are they all definitely 100% true? No.
But are they interesting, potentially useful, and presented in a sensible order? Also no.

They were scribbled – two gins in – after a blustery walk, and before a film marathon in front of the fire.

Take them or leave them.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1. A baby puffin is called a puffling.

2. Never give weetabix chance to ‘set’.

3. Freeze fruit slices to chill drinks without watering them down.

4. Fresh air makes most things better.

5. Drovers used to plant groups of trees like Scots pines as waymarkers.

6. The collective noun for a group of swans is a ballet or a regatta.

7. If you want to spell rhythm correctly remember Rhythm Has Your Two Hips Moving.

8. If you want to spell rhyme correctly remember Rhyme Has Your Mouth Exercising.

9. You will never spell manoeuvre correctly without checking.

10. You can ‘copy’ on an iPhone and ‘paste’ straight onto your Mac.

11. You can search your iPhone photos by people or words, or using the map.

12. Read your work out loud, it makes you hear how it actually sounds not how you *want* it to sound

13. You will rarely regret being nice. Always try being nice before anything else.

14. Set timers – big things are easier to achieve when broken up with little deadlines.

15. It might not be *fireworks* and love at first sight when you have a baby. And if it’s not, don’t panic. You’re very tired and you’ve found yourself in at the deep end. You’ll get there without really noticing.

16. You’ll sleep better if you read a book instead of scrolling on your phone before bed.

17. Going freelance is simpler than you think. And other freelancers are more likely to help you than compete with you. 

18. Reaching any age never feels like you thought it would when you were younger.

19. Those flappy shoulders on baby grows mean they can be pulled off DOWNWARDS if there is a poo explosion.

20. If you ‘don’t like reading’ you haven’t found the right book

21. If an ‘only child’ marries an ‘only child’ and they have a child – there are no aunties, uncles or cousins. This is laughably obvious, but I’d never considered it until I met such a friend at uni.

22. Multiples of nine can be worked out by putting out both hands and lowering each finger in turn. (Tens to one side of the lowered finger and ones to the other.)

23. If you lose a child in a crowd, shout their name, age and what they are wearing as loud as you can. Continue to shout and tell people to pass it on in all directions – the message will travel quicker than you can and make the child conspicuous.

24. Denture cleaning tablets are great for cleaning out flasks.

25. The petrol pump symbol on your dashboard has an arrow pointing to which side the fuel cap is on.

26. Nail polish remover gets sticky marks off EVERYTHING.

27. The best gravy has two teaspoons of marmite in it.

28. If you’re in the kitchen wondering what to eat, chances are you need a glass of water.

29. During the Second World War, escape and evade items (like silk maps) were smuggled to POWs in monopoly games.

30. Cut grapes lengthways – not widthways – for children, to stop them bring ‘throat shaped’.

31. There’s UPPER CASE, lower case and Camel Case. You should use Camel Case for hashtags so screen readers can translate them properly.

32. Don’t write copy and edit it the same day, if you can help it.

33. You can just buy yourself flowers for no reason at all.

34. Before you deem something too expensive, think how long it would take you to make or do.

35. If you hate everyone – you need to eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you – you need to sleep.

I’ve been thinking about Calliope Syndrome. 

Some people call it ‘readers vocabulary’ and I’ve also seen it described as ‘speaking booklish’.
Whatever you call it – it refers to pronouncing something incorrectly because you’ve only ever seen it written down.

If you’d never heard Calliope said out loud, how would you know it was “cal-aye-o-pee” and not “calli-oap” or something else?!

It’s definitely something I’ve embarrassed myself with over the years; probably because I’ve had my nose in a book since I was able.

I thought ‘segue’ was “seeg” and ‘gauge’ was “goje” and don’t even talk to me about ‘banal’!

The pronunciation of ‘colonel’ and ‘hyperbole’ is surely designed to trip us up.
I’d heard them and read them, but somehow still assumed they were entirely different words. 

I know I’m not alone: J K Rowling had to include a full conversation in the ‘Goblet of Fire’ where the character of Hermione explains phonetically how to pronounce her name.
(And a whole generation of readers collectively went ‘Ohhhh’).

The thing is, as a copywriter I’ve always been quite good at finding the perfect word when I’m writing something down. 
(Handy in this job!)

Quite often I’ll just guess at a word that sounds vaguely familiar and then look it up to find that it was the perfect fit.

It’s a skill I’m pretty proud of, but one that I lack the confidence to risk in conversation. 

You can’t go back and edit something you’ve said out loud! 
And when I’m writing it down, nobody knows how I’m pronouncing ‘epitome’ in my head.

A while ago though, I came across a quote that said something along the lines of:

Never make fun of someone if they mispronounce a word – it means they learned it from reading.”

And isn’t that something to be celebrated?

*That’s definitely not how you pronounce minutiae.
…I don’t think.

Luckily – you don’t need me to read your text aloud. But if you’d like some help writing it, feel free to get in touch.

I’ve got a filthy sense of humour, there’s no denying it.

My old boss used to say things all the time that would set me off laughing and I’d be forced to cough/snort into my brew to cover up my childish cackling.

“Laura, we need to get that pitch thrashed out. Do you want to do it with me on the boardroom table?”

“Nice box.”

“We need to delve into the back end.”

“Can you pull me one off?” (Meaning please print a copy)

I sometimes wonder if he did it on purpose just to brighten up my day a little bit.

I think I laughed on and off for about a week when one of my colleagues sighed “if it’s this hot again tomorrow, I’m gonna come in my shorts.” 

THE POINT IS – I can spot an innuendo* at 20 paces, even if it’s questionable and actually not even that funny.
Which, in turn, means I’m not going to put an accidentally filthy caption in your very serious brochure about antique cabinets, or unknowingly make some sort of cheeky faux pas on your funeral parlour website.

A tendency to snigger might be annoying when my mother-in-law’s trying to explain her ongoing search for a new ‘lady purse’ or when my husband calls his brother in Wales and asks ‘how are things down there?’ but I can assure you a dirty sense of humour like mine serves a higher purpose when it comes to writing clean copy.

A similar character ‘flaw’ would have served the editors of these papers well.

So, be sure to get in touch if you don’t want your copy to accidentally suggest something you wouldn’t want your mother to read.

And speaking of mums, one last story before you go:
Out of habit, my mum often carries a ‘sea bean’ in her pocket. These ‘drift seeds’ supposedly bring good fortune and longevity, and – if nothing else – its smooth, polished edges are pleasant to turn about in your hands, like a natural fidget toy.
Mum calls it her ‘lucky bean’ and might make a special effort to carry it with her if she knows one of us has an exam or an interview.

Which brings me to the time the local butcher was to be going into hospital for an operation. Mum waved and gestured to him – shoved her hand deep into the pocket of her jeans and bellowed across the busy market “I’LL BE THINKING ABOUT YOU ALAN, AND RUBBING MY LUCKY BEAN.”


*In your end-o

Some of my favourite Holly and Phil innuendos:

It’s been a weird one, in terms of language acquisition this week.

The 3yo and I have both been learning some new things.

He’s learned that ‘soup rings’ are actually called spaghetti hoops.

I’ve learned to establish context when he asks about a word.
“Mummy what does sent mean?”
* cue long explanation about letters, gifts, distance, addresses, envelopes and the postal service *
“No no no – what is a sentry guard? Like the one on Noddy, at the castle, who sees the dazzle dragon…”

He’s learned to sing the ‘knock-kneed chicken / bow-legged hen’ song.

I’ve learned that if I call him “darling boy” he calls me “darling mummy” like an Enid Blyton character.

…

And he’s learned the word “coronavirus”. 

Which made me a bit sad, if I’m completely honest. 

…

Up to now, we’ve called it ‘the bad cough’. And I didn’t think he’d ever really need to know any more about it.

“The play centre’s shut, because lots of people have a bad cough. And we don’t want anyone else to catch it and be poorly, so it will be open again when everyone with the bad cough is better.”

In the period of time since I first mentioned ‘the bad cough’ to him last year, we’ve done potty training, moved into a ‘big boy’ bed, turned three, started pre-school, had our first Christmas without visiting grandparents, learned to use zoom, and really just grown up an awful lot.
(Him, not me).

And unfortunately the bloody ‘bad cough’ is still hanging around. 
For now.

I was conscious that the subject is so prevalent in conversation now, that I didn’t want to confuse him. Unlike this time last year, his speech and understanding has come on so much that he listens to everything being said around him and soaks it all up like a little language sponge. 

It’s no longer likely that he won’t notice people talking about it, and his older cousins and classmates will inevitably bring it up on zoom.

So, to go with his ever-expanding vocabulary, I gave in and taught him the word coronavirus.

And hopefully, he won’t need to use it.

And hopefully, it will be a word that we can *all* soon forget.

Then I cheered myself up with some of his adorable words that I have *no* intention of forgetting – like ‘under-brella, or the time he accidentally said ‘cloud scratcher’ instead of skyscraper.

OK, well – I’ll admit, I’ve been putting off work over Christmas.
I’ve been reading, playing with the smaller version of me and his new toys, walking, watching films by the fire and soaking up that special time with my little family during an unusually quiet (for us) Christmas period.

I was all ready to get stuck in come January. The plan was to get the 3yo back to pre-school and then get to work. Crack on with existing client work and go out to find more, more, more!

That should’ve been today.
Tuesday Jan 5^th.
Lockdown 3.0.

*MASSIVE EYE ROLL*

I tend to over-plan things and try to create the ‘perfect’ atmosphere and circumstances to get things done.

But I’ve decided if that’s not possible – then bugger it – let’s just dive in.

So, in the spirit of Sophie Cross and her ‘start before you’re ready’ attitude, I’m cracking on regardless.
(Check out the video here and don’t forget to donate to The Samaritans if you can).

My situation is positively easy compared to many, so no more excuses! I’ve already called two clients and done a round of amends this morning while Noddy was on.

I mean, yes – I was in my pyjamas – but come on.
It still counts.